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Saturday, November 17, 2012

My feelings .....


This has been a difficult year.  I sprained my ankle in May, and never really seemed to recover.  I had trouble balancing on the rough gardens.  It seemed I could no longer do the work I knew I needed to do.  The gardens suffered through the summer.  They were full of weeds .. plus I could not keep up with harvesting. 

Through all of this I felt like such a failure.  What was happening to me?  Why could I not keep up?  Why was there such a huge change in me? 

I did a bunch of research and realized I have plantar fasciations and I felt a bit vindicated.  I also knew I needed to get it taken care of.  I decided to go to a podiatrists and get it taken care of.  He agreed that I had diagnosed it correctly and told me I needed a shot of cortisone to make it feel better.   I said NO, I don’t need that … and I really meant it.  He was a sweet talker, and made me think I DID need it.  I felt GREAT the next day and told everyone what a wonder it was!

The following day my foot felt bad again.  It hurt SO bad it was again difficult to walk.  I had an appointment for a massage. She took one look at my foot and refused to touch me.     She said it looked like cellulites and she didn’t want to make it worse. 

I went back to the podiatrists the next day and he confirmed it was cellulites and put me on antibiotics.  It got much worse from there.  I got a “bump” on my ankle that got redder and bigger and hurt so much I could not walk.  I was put on another antibiotic and sent home.  The “bump” on my ankle grew huge … it was about 2 -  3” around and 2” tall.  After a week in bed it festered enough that it was a giant pus pocket.  I went back to the doctor and was told I needed to go to the emergency room.  In the time it took us to go from the doctor to the emergency room the “abscess” had broken and was leaking into my shoe.  I spend 4 or 5 hours in the emergency room … just getting it cleaned up.  I got some good drugs … but it hurt so bad the drugs didn’t begin to touch it.

I was put on another antibiotic and sent home to “rest”.  I followed up with my family doctor 3 days later; she did nothing for me, bandaged it back up and sent me to a surgeon.  He cleaned it up and sent me to a wound clinic a few days later.  By this time I was taking 3 antibiotics and feeling awful from the effect of all of them, but I had to go back to work … I had never been gone from work for this long.  I have been back to the wound clinic at first every week, then every other week, and now finally I am at 3 weeks.  I have been under a doctor’s care for 3 months and the bills are piling up like crazy.  I am feeling much better …. But at times it still hurts to walk, mostly on bumpy ground.  

Phil has been wonderful taking care of me.  He is the kind of person who can’t stand blood or oozing wounds …. (He had to leave the emergency room).  He has really stood beside me.  In the beginning he had to bandage the wound twice a day.  Now it is only once a day.  He makes sure I don’t to “to much” and makes me sit down when he thinks I am getting tired.  He did all of the end of season gardening because I have been banned from the gardens for the rest of the year (apparently that makes staff infections worse). 

I know I am getting better, but the depression from this experience is awful.  I feel bad that I am not able to do my normal “jobs”.  I feel bad that Phil has had to take over so much of what I normally do and it is so difficult for him.  I feel inadequate … as if I am no longer capable of taking care of myself and my family. 

I am hopeful that in time everything will be back to normal.