Feeling Sorry for myself.

 I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and hashimoto's thyroiditis about 6 or so years ago.  At the time I thought it was really no big deal.  I had a lot more pain but nothing I could not live with.  I refused the pain medication, I don't want to live like that.  I just went on with my life.

Fast forward to today.  I wake up every morning wishing I didn't have to get out of bed.  It hurts to walk.  It hurts to move my fingers.  Somedays it hurts if I am touched on the arm or shoulder.  This is not a disease that plays fair.  There is no cure.  There is no way to know if you are going to wake up feeling OK or more often to wake up wishing you could just sleep the day away.  

I used to love spring.  It was a time for the world to wake up and start to live again after the long winter.  This year spring means only work to me.  I don't enjoy working in the garden anymore.  If I had things my way there would be no garden.  I still enjoy the flowers and planting some things close to the house in pots, they are pretty easy to care for.  I love my chickens and I look forward to seeing them every day, but I don't want to raise meat birds anymore, I just don't want to butcher.  It is hard work and I am not sure I could do it again this year.  I am not sure how I am going to butcher the "old girls" this fall to make room for the young ones.  I feel very inadequate.  I feel used up!

I try not to complain.  It honestly does no good to burden anyone else with what I am feeling.  Phil will ask me how I feel, I normally say I am OK, what else can I do?  

I fought the Jenny Wren

 Every spring a Jenny Wren tries to built a nest in my clothes pin bag.  She sneaks in between laundry days with her twigs and string waiting to build a new nest and lay her eggs.  Every year I have to kick her out so I can hang out my laundry.  

This week I sewed up a new clothes pin bag because the old one is rotting away.  I moved my clothes pens into the new bag and gave her my old one.  I will be excited to see if she continues to build her nest and lay some eggs.  I wonder if she will divebomb me every time I hang out laundry.  

It's been a long time

I have been absent for a very long time.  I'm not sure why I quit blogging, but I think it is time to start up again.   The last few months have been very eventful.  In May we had to put Molly to sleep.  She was no longer able to get up and walk any more.  It was a horrible day but I believe we did the right thing.  She looked up at me with her sad eyes and I believe she thanked me.  She had always had terrible smelly gas.  Her last "gift" to me was a smelly toot just before she died.  It made me laugh and cry at the same time. 

We made a huge decision around that time as well.   We kicked around all the numbers and decided that I would be able to quit working.  The difference on Social Security benefits now as opposed to 7 years from now is not that much different.  My last day at work was August 1.  I have been home a week so this is not really "real" to me yet.  So far it just feels like a vacation. 

Phil had another heart attack in July.  He had not been feeling well for a week or so prior, so this episode may have been happening for a while before he was hospitalized.  The doctors did another angioplasty and found the stints that were put in in December were starting to clog again.  They cleaned him out and put him on new medications.  He is still very tired and doesn't feel well.   We are praying he will start to feel better soon.

We are looking forward to our retired life.  We have never had the opportunity to travel or play very much.  It will be an adjustment learning to be together so much of the time, but I think it is a good thing.  The O'Learys are going to start having fun!!

A few thoughts on the first day of November

Living in the middle of nowhere I see some strange things on my commute to and from the city evey day.  This summer I caught something out of the corner of my eye and slowed down to see a huge moose in someones field.  It turned out to be a 7 or 8 foot life sized target with quite a few arrows sticking out of it.  At first it looked like an elephant to me … but it was in the first rays of sunlight that I saw it. 

Last night driving home I saw a guy throwing old wood into what was obviously going to be a bonfire.  The only surprising thing was there were two recliners sitting in front of the fire.  I thought it would have been fun to come back last night and join the party. 

Driving home is always fun in the fall.  I am always anxious to see how many crops the farmers have harvested, or where a farmer has moved his cows.  I am even happy to see chickens from the house up the road running around on the road looking for food.  Our chickens must be so well fed they never venture down as far as the road. 

I know that many of my co-workers and other casual acquaintances think I am a bit strange … OK maybe more than a bit.  I guess I can’t blame them when they look in my SUV and see the back stuffed with straw bales.  I know that my local HY-Vee store clearances their straw on Halloween day, I so plan to go there over lunch every day for the week and pick up a load.  When my co-workers pass my car …they just can’t help but look and wonder …….

We have spent most of 2016 with our house in total disarray remodeling the common rooms.  It has been a long and difficult process.  I haven’t been able to make soap or do any of the project I enjoy until a few weeks ago.  Now I am scrambling to catch up and get soaps made for Christmas baskets etc.   I have a few people who have inquired about purchasing for gift giving.  Unless I can get some things on the drying rack I will never be able to supply these people with goodies.  My goal has always been to build a cottage industry to help make money if/when I am able to retire. 

 I miss writing and sharing my life.  Why don't I do more of it?  I'm not totally sure except I waste to much time on facebook and watching TV.  I think it would be good for me to unplug for a while.  No TV and no Facebook.

I started my 8 day vacation today.  We had planned to go to South Dakota to visit Mount Rushmore but decided not to at the last minute.  We are staying home to get ready for winter. 

Today I was able to sleep in until 7 AM.  That is 2 hours later than I normally sleep.  We had a good morning returning things from our remodel project to Home Depot and Menards, then lunch out (Yummm.. whitefish for me).  Phil naps every afternoon, so while he was sleeping today I did laundry then went out to the garden to start to put it to bed.  I have so much to do, but I got a good bit of it done.  I am pulling out plants and getting it ready to plant a cover crop to protect the soil over winter.  Tomorrow I will be butchering all of the “baby” roosters that we hatched out this spring.  I am always amazed that we normally have well over 50% of the chickens we hatch are roosters!!!!  We normally butcher them earlier but Phil didn’t want to hatch as early as we normally do so we are butchering really late this year.  I prefer to hatch our new chickens in March or April so they have lots of time to “grow out” during the warm months.  Butchering when it is cold is no fun (not that butchering is fun in any weather).  I hope them temps warm up to at least 50 degrees while I am butchering.  

God's time

After we bought Pooh Acres I spent a week cleaning and painting.  I took a weeks vacation and would come over here before sunrise and start to work.  One day I was standing on the kitchen counter cleaning an upper cabinet, singing at the top of my lungs.  I was sure I was all alone so it didn't matter how loud I was singing.  Then I heard a knock at the door and startled to realize I was not alone.  

The people at the door were our neighbors who embraced us with open arms and over the years became very good friends.  We have not been terribly social, meaning we don't go to each others house to play cards or anything.  We do meet outside and chat.  We share garden produce, we look out for each other when we are away from home.  I love coming home and hearing "Hi Neighbor" as I pull in the driveway.  

Ralph retired shortly after we moved here.  Colleen hasn't worked in years.  They have been amazing with their grand kids, The kids lived with them for several years.  

Last fall Ralph told us he had cancer and has about 6 months to live.  Yesterday he last his battle and passed on to the next life.  We have been feeling so empty and sad. Today we happened to run into Colleen and were able to talk with her for a while.  As empty and sad as we feel, I can't imagine being her. 

Feeling Very Sad

Time marches on, and live evolves.  It has been over 2 years since I have spoken with Delana.   My phone number has been blocked on hers and Caelum’s phones (or so I assume since I go directly to voice mail).  My emails are not answered, and I am still blocked on Facebook.  I know her address only because I work for a company that knows where everyone lives. 

The pain is no better than it was 2 years ago.  I can hold back the tears more than 2 years ago unless I am alone in my lonely bedroom.   I look at photos of the kids and wonder what they look like now.  Caelum is almost 16.  His voice has likely changed and he is probably shaving.  I wonder how he is doing in school?  I wonder why he quit band ROTC and Speech. 

Ruby is almost 12.  I am sure she is a beauty.  She has always been so smart.  Olivia will soon be 11.  I am having a problem with both of them being that old.  We missed the years they were in England, now we are missing these years. 

I sent flowers to Delana on Mothers Day.  I thought it might melt her heart just a bit, but it didn’t.  I may go to my grave never seeing my daughter and her beautiful children again.